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- Sta je zajednicko Hirosimi, Nagasakiju i Teheranu???
- Za sada nista! |
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Arhiva viceva
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Koja je najbolja preventiva protiv ptičje gripe?
=> Ne dirati pijetla rukama niti ga prinositi ustima. O jajima da ne govorimo. Ne ljubiti vrapčića i izbjegavati ševu! Sočnu piletinu zaobilaziti u širokom luku, a s kokoškama i guskama ne ulaziti u duele.
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Vicevi.biz vic dana
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Razgovaraju banana, narandža i kurac. Banana se žali:
• E, ljudi moji, mene prvo oljušte, pa me pojedu!
Narandža će:
• A mene prvo oljušte, pa me raskomadaju, pa me pojedu!
Kurac sasluša njih dve, pa kaže:
• Nije to ništa! Mene prvo u sred noći izvuku napolje, pa me guraju u neku rupu i na kraju me teraju da povraćam! |
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100% Zabava
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Opet Seve
Q: Šta je bila Severina pre nego što je postala poznata?
A: Pevačica.
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Sezam vic dana
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15 mudrih misli
1. Nemoj se zanositi da nešto možeš promjeniti na muškarcu, osim ako nosi pelene. : - )
2. Šta trebaš napraviti kad ti muskarac zalupi vrata s vanjske strane? Zaključaj ih iznutra.
3. Ako su već jednog muškarca poslali a Mjesec, mora da je izvodljivo da ih sve pošalju!
4. Ne dopusti da misli tvog muškarca lutaju. Premale su da bi bile same vani.
5. Uvijek izaberi mlađeg muskarca. Ionako nikad ne sazru.
6. Muškarci su svi isti - imaju razlicite face samo da bismo ih mogle raspoznati.
7. Definicija neženje: muskarac koji je propustio priliku da unesreći neku ženu.
8. Nije istina da žene prave kretene od muškaraca. Većina muškaraca se diči motom "Uradi sam!"
9. Jedini način da muskarca navedeš da nešto uradi je da mu kažeš da je prestar za to.
10. Ljubav je slijepa, ali brak je iskustvo koje otvara oči.
11. Ako baš želis muškarca koji će biti vezan za tebe, potraži ga u bolnici za duševne bolesti.
12. Sinovi Izraela lutali su pustinjom 40 godina. Eto, i u drevna vremena je muškarcima bilo ispod časti putovati putem.
13. Ako te pita voliš li kartanje, reci "da, ali samo kreditnim karticama".
14. Zapamti da imati smisao za humor ne znači njemu pricati viceve, nego se smijati njegovim.
15. Svi su ljudi stvoreni jednaki. Na nesreću, to se odnosi i na muškarce.
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Poen vic dana
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Jednog lepog aprilskog dana Perica uleće u kuću i kaže:
- Mama! Drug mi je razbio flašu o glavu!
- Apri-li-li-li-li! Nije flašu nego ciglu!
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Krstarica vic dana
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Dva Jevreja sede u čamcu za spasavanje. Nigde ni kopna ni broda.
- Dragi Bože, ako izvučemo živu glavu, daću polovinu svoje imovine u dobrotvorne svrhe! - reče jedan.
Veslaju dalje, pada noć, pomoći niotkuda.
- Gospode, ako nas spasiš daću siromasima dve trećine svoje imovine! - ponovo se oglasi prvi.
Sledećeg jutra situacija je i dalje kritična.
- Gospode, ako se izbavimo iz ove proklete nevolje, daću...
- Stoj! - vikne drugi Jevrejin - prestani da nudiš! Kopno je na vidiku!
Prilog Maje S. iz Tel Aviva
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Danas
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Haha, ovo je odlicno... kad god procitate neki vic, sjetite se da je on na neciji racun... Vicevi su vicevi i tako ih treba dozivljavati...
Evo jedna zanimljiva anegdota na tu temu... na engleskom je, ali je odlicna :)
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th December 2005
Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over Ł10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
A very Merry Christmas to you and your family
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that Ł10.00 is too much money and Management believe Ł10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first..
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director>
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 December 2005
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink,drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th December 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
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Vic dana sluzbeni site
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Sedi Mujo u kupeu u vozu. Nasuprot njega sedi picnuta plavuša (minic, dekolte...) Mujo bulji li ga bulji. Plavuša skuži da bulji, te raširi noge i pokaže mu muf. Muji ispale oči.
- Jel' vam se svidja? upita plavuša.
- Jes' kako nebi. veli Mujo.
- Jel' hoćete da vam namigne? Raširi noge i namigne mu s mufom.
Mujo u deliriu ne veruje svojim očima.
Ponovo plavojka:
- Hoćete da vam pošalje pusu?
Raširi noge i pošalje mu pusu!!!
Mujo skoro u nesvesti.
- Želite li sesti pored mene?
Mujo ustane i prebaci se na drugu stranu kupea i sedne pored plavuše.
Plavuša ponovo:
- Želite li gurniti dva prsta u nju?
Mujo prestravljen
- MA BONA NEMOJ ME ZAJEBAVAT' DA MOŽE I ZVIŽDAT!!! |
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Masni vicevi
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| Ulazi mali ciga u kucu i kaze:Mamoo, smrdi nam nesto na crkontinu u kuci!...Mamo bre, smrdi nam nesto ! Mamoo...mamooo probudi se...MAMOO |
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Mobilni SMS
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Šetao Mujo sa sinom ulicom
i ugledaju dva kera kako se pare.
Upita mali Mujica tatu:
- Tata, šta ovi psi rade?
Mujo: - Vidiš, Mujice, onom gore nije dobro, pa ga ovaj nosi
kući.
A Mujica odgovara:
- E, jebem ti život! Čim nekom pomažeš, on ti ga zabije u
guzicu! |
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KURIR dnevni tabloid
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- Zasto je Bosanac seksi?
- Zato sto je glup ko kurac. |
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Cjepanica.net
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